I just saw a couple out in the pool.  He was carrying her about from one end to another as each just quietly watched the other.  I've never known that intimacy myself.  No one has ever deemed me worthy of the experience.  My ideas on Love are vague, third-hand accounts -- mostly from observing others experience it.  I do know Loneliness, though.  From what I know of Love, they are very similar.  The only difference is that with one there is no risk of being hurt by another while with the other it is a constant threat.  I do know I would like to meet someone.  To share the sort of intimacy that couple in the pool had found.  In fact, I first considered what sort of person would be a good match for me when I was only five years old.  I don't mean the fantastical stories kids come up with when looking at the future.  It was an honest appraisal of who I am as a person and what sort of personality would best suit that.  She had to be patient, because I can be impulsive and stubborn.  She had to be fierce about what she believed, because I've never liked the "wallflower" personality.  Tell me what you think and feel without hesitation if you want to make sure I understand you.  She had to laugh when others would not.  I don't mean just at my bad jokes, I mean those shitty moments in life where you think it's just time to give up.  That was important because I get angry by default.  Having someone that laughs at those moments makes them so much easier to deal with.  Of course, at five years old, I didn't express these ideas as I do now, but they are essentially the same now as they were then.  The only change is that, at some point, I realized there is a difference is talking to someone that is intelligent as compared to someone that is not.  I prefer the former.

I've only met three people in my life that were compatible with me.  The first moved away.  Her parents choice, so nothing to be said about it.  The second became a heroin addict and is most likely dead (no one has heard from her in five years or so).  The last one -- and most compatible I've met so far -- just fell over dead a few weeks ago.  I don't think I've ever felt a pain as crippling as having a feeling of loneliness lift from me simply by someone's presence -- to see the end of something that has lasted decades -- only to have it dropped back on my shoulders like the world pressing down on Atlas.  It's a small wonder I've even here still because, honestly, I wanted to follow her.

I'm trying to stay here.  But some days it is much harder than others.  Seeing that couple in the pool made this one of the harder days and it makes me wonder which will prove to be the shorter time -- how much longer I must be alone in this world or how much longer do I have to remain in it.